5 tips for overcoming social anxiety

5 tips for overcoming social anxiety5 tips for overcoming social anxietyYourmind races. Your palms sweat. The words dont come out of your mouth right, if they come at all. Weve all been there at one timeor aleidher. And some of us get it worse than others, and mora frequently. Social anxiety.Nobody wants to look stupid or be embarrassed. But since its leid like your life is on the line,why is social fear so bad? Theres an answerWhile its hard to remember what a broken arm feels like, its quite easy to remember all the times you feltmortified in public. So its not surprising that research showssocial pain is actually worse than physical pain- because you can relive it over and over againIndividuals can relive and reexperience social pain more easily and more intensely than physical pain. Studies 1 and 2 showed that people reported higher levels of pain after reliving a past socially painful event than after reliving a past physically painful event.And the old saying is true oftenthe fear itself is much worse than whatever youre afraid of. Research shows being afraid youre going to lose your job can be worsethanactually losing your job perceived job insecurity ranks as one of the most important factors in employees well-being and can be even more harmful than actual job loss with subsequent unemployment.And the advice you usually get on how to deal with fearis dead wrong.What happens when you suppress your feelings?Your ability to experience positive feelingsgoes down - but not negative feelings. Stress soars. And your amygdala (a part of the brain closely associated with emotions) starts working overtime.FromHandbook of Emotion Regulationexperimental studies have shown that suppression leads to decreased positive but not negative emotion experience (Gross, 1998a Gross Levenson, 1993, 1997 Stepper Strack, 1993 Strack, Martin, Stepper, 1988), increased sympathetic nervous system responses (Demaree et al., 2006 Gross, 1998a Gross Levenson, 1993, 1997 Harris, 2001 Richards Gross, 2000), and greater activation in emotion-generative brain regions such as the amygdala (Goldin, McRae, Ramel, Gross, 2008).But theres a way to deal with fear and anxiety that neuroscientists, the ancient Stoics and mindfulness experts all agree on. And its not that hard.Lets get to itHow To Make Fear Less ScaryThere are a numberof specific techniques for reducing those awful anxious emotionsMindfulness recommends noting troublesome thoughts like fear. Recognize and accept them to let them go.Neuroscience advocateslabeling. (Frankly, this is a lotlike noting but backed bysome PhDs and an fMRI.)Stoicism has premeditation. Thats when you ask, Whats the worst that could happen? and realize its not that bad.Neuroscience also recommendsreappraisal.This is reinterpreting your feelings with a new story that makes them less scary.A random bunch of tips?Nope. So what do they all have in common?You gotta use your brain. You gottathink.Some might reply,Iamthinking, Im thi nking about all the awful stuff that could happen if I embarrass myself. In fact, I cant STOP thinking about itBut youre not thinking. Yourereacting. Fight or flight.Like an animal would.Look, ourancestors didnt spend millions of years climbing to the top of the food chain so we could respond the saatkorn way a lizard does. We have this shiny new prefrontal cortex and canuse it to fight fear.In fact, you already have and you probably didnt realize itEver had so much going at once that something which would normally scare you justdoesnt? Thats not random. When your thinking brain - the prefrontal cortex - is highly engaged, itslams the brakes on feelings.And you can use this trick deliberately. Anything that gets you thinking activelycan smother anxietyresources that are used to perform a cognitive task are no longer available for emotional processes. Accordingly, people can rid themselves from unwanted feelings by engaging in a cognitive activity, such as doing math equations (Van Dillen Koole, 2007), playing a game of Tetris ( Holmes, James, Coode-Bate, Deeprose , 2008), visualizing scenes such as sitting in a double-decker bus driving down the street (Rusting Nolen-Hoeksema, 1998), sorting cards ( Morrow Nolen-Hoeksema, 1990), responding to colored lights ( Christenfeld, 1997), or filling out bogus questionnaires ( Glynn et al., 2002).(In fact, this effect is so powerful, I recommend youdontthink too hard when youre feeling good - because itcansuppress those happy emotions just as easily.)Nowwere talking about social anxiety, and its not like you can start doing your taxes at a party to feel less anxious.Thats okay. We can do one better. Whatshouldyou think about?Your fears. Yeah, its a cliche, but its true. Face your fears. Actively. With your brain switched to on. Neuroscience research shows when we avoid scary things we become more scared. When you face your fears they become less frightening.FromResilience The Science of Mastering Lifes Greatest C hallengesBrain imaging findings suggest that extinction may involve a strengthening of the capacity of the PFC to inhibitamygdala-based fear responses (Phelps et al., 2004). Several approaches to treating anxiety disorders such as PTSD and phobias have been shown to be effective in promoting extinction. In essence, these therapies encourage the patient to confront the fear and anxiety head on.And thats what each of the techniques I listed do in one way or another they engage your thinking brain to take over for the emotional brain and get a handle on what youre feeling.You can try them and binnensee what works for you. Or you can put together a fear-busting cocktail combo to really drop the hammer on that anxiety.(To learn the 7-step morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, clickhere.)Alright, now that we understand the underlying brain trickery, lets look at how each methodworks so you can crush that social anxietyNoting/LabelingGive the feeling a name. (No, dont callit Phy llis.) Just tell yourself what you are feeling. Yes, its that stupidly simple.Im feeling anxious.By naming it, youre shifting gears in your brain. Its no longer an overwhelming feeling from your emotional amygdala anymore now that it has a label your prefrontal cortex takes the reins.FromThe Upward Spiral in one fMRI study, appropriately titled Putting Feelings into Words participants viewed pictures of people with emotional facial expressions. Predictably, each participants amygdala activated to the emotions in the picture. But when they were asked to name the emotion, the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex activated and reduced the emotional amygdala reactivity. In other words, consciously recognizing the emotions reduced their impact.With noting, some mindfulness practitioners like to take it one step further and instead of saying, Im feeling anxious, they say, There is anxiety. This sounds really weird but it makes sense through amindfulnesslensyou are not your thoughts.Just becaus e something goes through your head does not make ityou. Its a passing feeling one of a zillion you have each day. No need to identify with it.(To learn how to beat impostor syndrome, clickhere.)Okay, you slapped a label on that feeling and dampened it. Bravo. But how do you really engage your thinking brain and take fear-squashing to the next level?Stoic PremeditationThoughtfullyobserve Phyllis - I mean, your fear. Observe your fear - and actuallyincreaseit.Imagine the worst that could happen. You are stripped naked in front of everyone and begin farting showtunes.I know, this sounds terrifying. But imagining the worst isespecially useful with social anxiety. Why?Is someone going to stab you to death for saying something stupid? No. Do you live in a tribal society where social ostracism means you will be exiled and starve to death on the savannah? No.So youre not really afraid of what other people will do- youre afraid of the feelings it will cause in you embarrassment, shame, et c.News flash you have control over the latter. Theyre in your head. And nowhere else.Visualize the worst and youll see its really not that bad. How do I know? You laugh about some of the embarrassing things youve been through in the past, right? So I recommend you juststart laughing now.(To learn how to make friends easily and to strengthen the friendships you have, clickhere.)You hit yourself with the worst possible scenario and you can handle it. Awesome. But you might be anxious that youre still going to feel anxious. Fine, fine.We got another arrow left in the quiver.And this ones powerful. This guy is the tactical nuke when it comes to dealing with fear and anxietyReappraisalMost people think their feelings are realer than real because theyre so visceral. We have a hard time denying what we feel.Well, thats wrong. Just because you feel it doesnt make it real. Feelings arent a satellite dish receiving signals of eternal truth. Feelings come from beliefs. Change the beliefs and t he feelings change.FromYour Brain at Work Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day LongIn one of Ochsners reappraisal experiments, participants are shown a photo of people crying outside a church, which naturally makes participants feel sad. They are then asked to imagine the scene is a wedding, that people are crying tears of joy. At the moment that participants change their appraisal of the event, their emotional response changes, and Ochsner is there to capture what is going on in their brain using an fMRI. As Ochsner explains, Our emotional responses ultimately flow out of our appraisals of the world, and if we can shift those appraisals, we shift our emotional responses.You say something at a party. Everyone starts laughing. You think theyre laughingatyou. How do you feel?Hold on, my bad, turns out their laughingwithyou. Now how do you feel?landsee?Change the story and your feelings change.Harvard researcherShawn Achortaught bankers to reappraise stress as a challenge. What happened? HeresShawnWe watched those groups of people over the next three to six weeks, and what we found was if we could move people to view stress as enhancing, a challenge instead of as a threat, we saw a 23% drop in their stress-related symptoms. It produced asignificant increasenot only in levels of happiness, but a dramatic improvement in their levels of engagement at work as well.Similarly, when I spoke to aNavy SEAL, anArmy Rangerand aSpecial Forces instructor, they all said that reappraisingtheir arduous training as a game - rather than something that would make or break them - was key to getting throughit.(To learn the science that will make you better atflirting, clickhere.)Yay, were done Actually, not yet. As the old saying goes, An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Rather that treating your fear, wouldnt it be better to not have it in the first place?Whats one of the primary sources of this anxiety? And how can we ni p that in the bud?Dont Be An Opera SingerWhen youre feeling anxious in a social situation a lot of thoughts are going through your headWill I bore them? What do I say? What if I embarrass myself? How do I impress them?See a pattern here? Your brain sounds like an opera singer warming upME ME ME.When I spoke toRobin Dreeke, former head of the FBIs Behavioral Analysis Program, what did he say was key to connecting with people?Suspend your ego.Heres RobinEgo suspension is putting your own needs, wants and opinions aside.And Robins right. Dont worry about impressing or not-screwing-everything-up.Researchshows when people are meeting someone new they dont evaluate the interaction by what you said - they evaluate it based on how well they thinktheyperformed.So do you see the problem here? Why so many conversations are awful? Because your brain is goingME ME MEand their brain is goingME ME ME. You need to break the cycle. So tryYOU YOU YOU.When youre focused on yourself, you areliterallyb eing self-conscious. And that breeds the fear and anxiety. So focus on the other person. Its simple listen to what theyhave to say andask them to tell you more.It will make the person youre talking to happier.Studiesshow people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than they do from food or moneyTalking about ourselves- whether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter- triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or moneyAnd itll probablymake you happierResearchers found that happy people are ten times more likely to be other-oriented than self-centered. This suggests that happiness is a by-product of helping others rather than the result of its pursuit.I know what the super-anxious are wondering right nowBut how do I reply?I mightsay something stupid.Allow me to reappraise this for you and make it a game. Below is theempathy scale researchers use to score replies. More points are better.ViaThe Art of Conversation A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure6 Shared feeling/experience5 Confirmation of an emotions legitimacy4 Pursuit of the topic3 Acknowledgment2 Implicit recognition (but changing the topic)1 Perfunctory recognition (autopilot)0 Denial/contradictionAim for 5s and 6s.5s give people emotional validation. And we all crave that. When they talk about feeling scared, you respond,That sounds terrifying.And 6s are what turn acquaintances into close friends. Sharing feelings.Same thing happened to me. It was awful.And thatshow you start to go fromME ME MEtoYOU YOU YOUto - finally - US US US.(To learn how to be loved by everyone, clickhere.)We have covered a lot. (And you have been an excellent listener - you didnt interrupt me once.) Lets round it all up and learn how even if everything goes completely wrong and you do embarrass yourself, that can be agoodthingSum UpHeres how to overcome social anxietyUse yer brain When youre thinking more, youre feeling less.Note or label Give the emotion a name and it wont overwhelm you, Phyllis.Premeditate Whats the worst that could happen? It wont. And its not that bad.Reappraise Change the story and your feelings change. Stress can be a challenge. Adversity can be a game.Dont be an opera singerMe Me MetoYou You YoutoUs Us Us.In aclassic study, researchers had subjectsevaluate three job candidates. One had lousy scores, the other was nearly perfect, and the third had the same rankings as the perfect one but during the interview he spilled coffee all over his suit.Guess who they thought most highly of?The fumbler.Why? Heseemed more approachable. Hewasnt so perfect as to make people envious. Being too impressive can backfire. Perfect is too perfect.So put your brain to work fighting that fear. And get out of your head and intotheirhead. Youre not the only one who feels socially awkward. Help others feel relaxed and youll find you relax too. And stop trying to impressYou dont need to be interesting. You need to be interested.Join over 275,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulThisarticlefirst appeared onBarking up the Wrong Tree.